Going for a Pirate

It was all down to Uncle Dan. It would never have happened if he hadn’t sat me down on the settle beside him and told me about pirates by way of a bedtime story. To tell the truth I can’t remember which of them featured that night; probably Henry Morgan, or Black Beard, or maybe Long John Every, but whoever they were I was hooked. I went to bed and dreamt of pirates and thought of little else for days afterwards.
  It must have been springtime because when I set out I remember seeing Mrs Bradley’s cottage surrounded by a sea of pink and white apple blossom. I was staying at Granny’s at the time, as I often did. Not that there was anything wrong with home, I was very fond of home, but Granny’s was close by and I had learned how to get there almost as soon as I could walk. Besides, Granny was easy-going – nobody’s fool mind you – but my father was an only child and after my sister died I was her only grandchild, so as you can imagine there was a lot of mileage in staying with Granny.
  So there I was, four and a half years old, setting out on my first big adventure. It was very early in the morning and I slipped out before Granny was awake. In a first act of defiance to mark my new way of life I neither washed my face nor cleaned my teeth before I left. I was truly a carefree ruffian in the making!
Barrs Lane wound downwards in a westerly direction between tangled hawthorn hedges. To the left and right there were occasional two-up two-down cottages standing defiantly at angles to the lane, each surrounded by its garden, most of which were a chaotic mixture of old-fashioned flowers and vegetables, set about with apple trees, the odd plum tree and the occasional pear. Halfway down the lane was Ben’s cottage and Ben himself was standing by his gate, peering at the hinges and moving it back and forth with a frown on his face. I drew level and hoped to slip past without him noticing. He was after all a grown-up, a very old grown-up at that (he must have been at least forty-five) and adults could be dangerous, being figures of authority and all.
  He must’ve heard me because without turning around he said "Hello little lad, ‘an where’n yo off to, all bright and early?"
  "Nowhere."
  He turned and smiled at me. "Yo must be goin’ somewhere."
  I decided the best policy was to come clean, he was after all a nice old man who was usually willing to listen to me; he even let me feed his rabbits sometimes.
  So I plucked up courage and blurted out "I’m gooin fer a pirate."
  He looked quite serious, though I could see his eyes were twinkling. "A pirate eh? Well ah’m blessed. We ay ‘ad one of them round here fer some time."
  Ben said he was just going off to work and, since it was in the same direction, he’d keep company with me for a bit. And so we set off down the lane together. We hadn’t gone many yards when a thought struck him.   
  "Ah suppose yo’n got yer eye-patch?"
  I hadn’t any idea what an eyepatch might be. Rather guardedly I admitted that I didn’t have an eyepatch. Ben stopped in his tracks gave me a look of considerable surprise. "Yo’n got ter ‘ave an eye-patch my son. Every pirate has one. They’ll never tek yer for a pirate without one."
  Well, here was a turn up for the books. I asked Ben if he could let me have one, but he said he couldn’t because he’d given his last one away. He scratched his head and thought for a bit and then said brightly that he thought it was even money my granny would have one. I was a bit doubtful and told him that she never mentioned it. Even so, he said, she was probably my best bet and perhaps we ought to go and ask her. To tell the truth I was far from keen. There would be a very fair chance that authority, in the shape of Granny, would scupper my plans. I told Ben I didn’t really want to see her just then. He said that was all right, I needn’t go in, he’d try to get an eye-patch for me, I could wait outside. So we turned about and retraced our steps.
  I hung about the corner of the cottage while Ben lifted the latch and stuck his head into the kitchen. "‘Mornin Lizzie, an yo sid the little lad?". No, she said, she hadn’t seen me but supposed me to be still in bed. Ben explained that, far from being still asleep, I was going for a pirate but had forgotten to take an eyepatch was me. Perhaps she had one handy? I waited for Nemesis to fall but to my surprise, retribution - divine or otherwise - was not forthcoming. Granny said something about not being sure if she had one or no, and then added it seemed a shame that I hadn’t waited until I had had my breakfast.
  I hadn’t really thought about breakfast, which was unusual for me. But when you are about important business and your mind is full of derring-do, flintlock pistols, Jolly Rogers and altogether wrapped up with those who go down to the sea in ships and have business in great waters, even breakfast can slip onto the back burner.
  Ben asked her what it would have been, this breakfast that I hadn’t bothered to wait for. She said she had a nice brown egg for me, fresh laid that very morning, a plate of bread-and-butter and a nice cup of tea. She went on to say that it was a pity let it go to waste so she’d better eat it herself. I weakened considerably. Sidling up to stand by Ben on the doorstep I said maybe I could delay things until breakfast was over. So that was that, Ben went off to work and I sat down to table.
  Breakfast finished, I asked about the eye-patch. A couple of drawers were searched to no avail before Granny said that she really couldn’t spend any more time looking because she had to go to see Aunt Selina. Aunt Selina lived in Ruiton. She was a favourite aunt of mine who usually had a toffee or two in her pinafore pocket. There was a dog there, Spot, a terrier with whom I got on very well, and also cousin Jim who, immeasurably old at fourteen, sometimes let me listen to his crystal set.
  I asked if Aunt Selina had any eye-patches. Granny was doubtful, but said there was a chance. Then she said that since it was Saturday morning Jim wouldn’t be at school and he might have one to spare. Perhaps I had better go along with her and find out? It seemed like a good idea, so off we trotted along the field paths up to Ellowes Hall and across to Ruiton. As it happened Jim was at home. We went out to the shed and he showed me the boat he was making. I can’t remember how far he had got with it, though I do recall him explaining what a bowsprit was for and how the sails would work when he had fitted them. I tried very hard to interest him in coming with me to be a pirate, but he was very lukewarm and didn’t seem to find the idea in the least attractive. Nor did he have an eye-patch. He was quite scornful about that, asking why on earth would he want one. Not knowing what an eye-patch was, or what it might be for, I was at a loss and let the subject drop. We had a listen to his crystal set and heard the Midland Home Service. He drew me a sketch of what his boat would look like when it was finished, then we took Spot for a walk down to the four-and-twenty steps and then it was dinner time. I can’t remember what we had, but my aunt was a good cook so it was bound to have been good, plus the fact that she always gave seconds of pudding. All in all it was a pretty good day.
  Granny never did find an eye-patch for me. She said she’d look for one next time she went to Dudley, but by the time that happened I was rather taken with the notion of being a cowboy.
Jack Falstaff. Jan 2011.